Raising Minimalists: Gifts.featured

The resounding question I am asked about children and minimalism is how to manage gifts from others, especially grandparents. It is unsurprisingly a significant source of tension for parents because it requires an example of genuine gratitude along with a firm commitment to an intentional way of living. A balance that should strengthen, rather than damage, relationships.

Unfortunately I don’t have a tidy system or neat answer for how that balance is achieved because it is something we are continually building. It is, however, also something that we have been working on for several years now, and I wanted to share my thoughts and our attempts in the hope of hearing from you as well.

I grew up in a large family, and my parents wisely set strict limits on the number of presents we got. It simply wasn’t feasible for all six of their children to get twenty or more Christmas gifts. Rather than resenting this, I fondly appreciate the focus it put on relationships.

For most of my childhood, we lived far from any extended family. Rather than opening all of our gifts on Christmas Day, we celebrated the twelve days of Christmas. Most days were celebrated with a family activity that didn’t include gifts, but we had a day set aside for each of our grandparents, and a day we gave sibling gifts. On grandparents’ day, we would open gifts from them or enjoy a movie and dinner with money they had sent. Then we would call them with plenty of time to appropriately thank them rather than squeezing it in between Christmas brunch and dinner. While I certainly didn’t recognize the importance of these phone calls growing up, I now greatly appreciate the opportunities they gave us to foster our relationships and learn to intentionally say thank you.

When Jeff and I got married, I quickly realized that my parents had chosen a drastically counter cultural approach, especially for young children. Jeff’s family loves showering all of us with gifts, and especially the girls. Gift giving is a part of every holiday, not only Christmas and birthdays. My upbringing and natural minimalist tendencies make this a bit overwhelming and difficult for me to embrace, but I’ve come to understand that these gifts are an expression of love. The physical item is much less important than the effort and thought that goes into the act of giving.

This realization creates an enormous opportunity to shape a thoughtful conversation around gifts that both respects the reality that people want to give our children gifts and that we don’t want our lives, and especially important celebrations, to revolve around accumulating things.

Here are some of the ways we’ve tried to find that elusive balance:

• We talk to our family about the lifestyle we strive to live all the time, not only in regard to limiting the number of gifts they give on holidays. We want them to understand why we make the choices we do instead of thinking we’re simply depriving them of the joy of gift giving.
• Our gift idea lists consist primarily of experience gifts rather than toys, and we try to focus on gifts that strengthen relationships by providing time together. We have seen over and over again how much joy shared experiences bring to us and our daughters, and we share those stories with our family and friends to cement the fact that these moments and interactions create a lasting impact.
• When we host a celebration, we don’t make opening gifts a part of it. We want to keep the focus on the time spent together rather than creating distraction with a host of new toys. After the party, we often open gifts with grandparents so they are able to share in the moment.
• We consciously broaden the term “gift.” We have explained to the girls that traveling as a family is a gift we give to them and each other frequently. We travel for our anniversary in lieu of traditional gifts. And we don’t feel the need to fill an Easter basket after a Holy Week spent together in Rome.
• We work to gift thoughtfully, both to our family and in our donations. Rather than assuming we know what someone should want or need, we try to listen to them and recognize what’s most important, whether or not it would be something we’d choose, and align our gift with something that they will value.
• We don’t feel guilty letting go of things that miss the mark. This is true even of gifts we give the girls that aren’t as well-received as we anticipate. I am certain that I have given many of these gifts over the years, and I would hate to have someone hold onto something for fear of insulting me. Gratitude is joyfully recognizing an expression of a relationship, not creating a self-imposed burden of ownership.

I have been astounded at how quickly and graciously our family has worked to understand and give us gifts that we find meaningful. Last Christmas, we received memberships to some of our favorite Chicago museums, a weekend family getaway, craft boxes for the girls centered around travel, puzzles, and play food, which is most often used to host pretend cousin get-togethers.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that family, and especially grandparents, are not trying to overwhelm their children or grandchildren with things. They are trying to strengthen relationships. And in my experience they are ecstatic to gift time together over a toy that could easily be forgotten.

How does your family view gifts? Have you attempted to make any changes to your family’s traditions? How did your kids respond? How did your parents respond?