I’m a mom.featured

It would be a misstatement to say that having children changed me. In fact, they have stripped away the inessential and rebuilt me into the person I longed to be.

After Molly was born, my entire being was rocked to its core. Crippling post partum anxiety stripped away all of my notions of how things were meant to go. Once I found relief, I gleefully relinquished my visions of what motherhood would be and who I would be as a mother.

I found myself joyfully giving up my stubborn insistence that I would never “stay home” in exchange for a peaceful, full family life. I happily gave up our Pinterest-perfect house for the support and community I longed for.

And as I watched my precious daughter examine and explore the world, I realized that the real beauty of motherhood is the renewed ability to view the world through eyes that are not yet blind to the astounding loveliness of creation. The joy of seeing the simple, mundane, and monotonous every-day blossom into miracles.

After Emma was born, a similar upheaval of assumptions led us to reevaluate how we wanted to live and function as a family. We gave up our plans for a custom dream home for a smaller, low maintenance apartment. We gave up our second car.

And we traveled. Every chance we got. Farther than we’d dared. We grew confident in our decisions and courageous in crafting a life that was authentic to us.

Talking to a friend shortly after Callan was born, I mentioned that I was looking forward to seeing what assumptions would be undone and how his sweet life would once again redefine me.

Six months after his birth, I realize that the answer was there from the time I saw the positive pregnancy test.

Growing up with five siblings, I always knew I wanted to have more than one child. I wanted my children to experience the joy I had of growing up in an admittedly loud and sometimes chaotic beautiful mess of people.

Once Molly was born, I yearned for her to have a sister and know the bond I have with my three sisters. Then Emma was born. And I had children. And they had a sister. On the surface all of my conditions were met. The checklist was complete.

And then we made a decision. To allow life to flourish. To trust that we were capable and humble enough to throw out the checklist and any plans we had and embrace little souls as they were given to us.

From the moment I became pregnant with Callan, it seemed that he would make his mark by being different. My pregnancy was vastly different and more difficult than my first two.

Instead of following our predictable pattern of late arrivals, he came almost three weeks early. Despite my assurances to the medical team at the out-of-town hospital where he was born that “I always go quickly at the end!” his was my longest labor.

Instead of the little girls I had been used to my whole life with three younger sisters and two daughters, he is a he. Who predictably peed on me approximately three seconds after being born. And many times since.

And yet, he’s a piece of our family’s soul, of my soul, that we didn’t know we needed. Moving beyond the artificial checklist I had accidentally constructed has given me another piece of myself and given the world another tiny human capable of love.

It’s glorious freedom. I’m open to life. To challenge and adventure. To hard work and failed attempts. I’m confident. I’m proud. I’m capable. I’m joyful.

I’m a mom.